That Was Probably the Best Holy Week/Passover Ever

Despite all the complaints, we suspect there are many of you who secretly love the fact that you didn’t have to go to church on Sunday (and Friday, and Saturday…). Let’s just admit it: few of us actually like church, or at least the “church” part of church. There are many other reasons to go of course, from lookin’ fine to potlucks to subjecting children to rudimentary game theory for our own amusement. But church itself? Blarg. Most pastors will tell you that it is hardest week of the year, which means it is the worst. The combination of Lent + Holy Week is an absolute Hell that lack’s the greed and alcohol that make Christmas tolerable. Ordinary Time is the best time.

And Pesach? Well we haven’t found a Jewish contributor for this site yet (we are looking, we promise!), but we will assume that, as it is also a form of ritual human socialization, Seder is normally terrible as well. But now with “Zoom-Seders,” you can drastically reduce the time, effort and care that goes into reenacting the Great Egyptian Culling. Technical and logistical issues aside, it probably made it more convenient for families to connect this time around, letting numerous prodigals return without putting on pants. Of course, if you are orthodox then you had to get that Zoom up and running well in advance, but electricity was permitted for Bubbe’s sake.

 

It’s Easter Season so Naturally We Have a New Bart Ehrman Book

Everyone’s favorite (or least favorite) star New Testament scholar has a new book just in time for the Resurrection of the non-historical Jesus. We haven’t read it, nor do we plan to, but we do watch his YouTubes and expect that it contains the same “shocking” revelations known to literally everyone with a doctorate in New Testament studies. This time the subject is Heaven or Hell and SURPRISE, it isn’t what you were taught in Sunday School! GET THIS MAN BACK ON THE DAILY SHOW!

Look, we get it. Bart writes for a certain audience. His goal in life is to disabuse low-information believers and college freshman of the notion that Christian doctrine has been shaped solely by the recorded Greek or Aramaic rantings of a first and second-century fringe cult. But his crusade to expose the hypocrisies of the fundamentalists risks a different sort of Biblical literalism that undercuts the whole idea that religions evolve beyond their central texts and that’s OK.

We know his heart is probably in the right place (correcting our incorrect assumptions), but you only need to beat that drum so hard. After the first few books, the people he was going to convince are already convinced, while those who disagree disagree even more. 

Certainly much of the annoyance directed at him from academic theological circles stems from the fact that he has figured out how to be famous and a Bible nerd. And hey, at least he has a PhD in the subject, unlike some. Still, we can’t help but feel that the whole “historical Jesus” project has already accomplished a lot, but now it is just turning people off.

What Does Covering Oneself in Jesus’ Blood Do, Anyway?

Recently CNN Anderson Cooper 720 or whatever did a report on the states that were still allowing religious gatherings. This generated a semi-viral clip of a woman leaving church, which @RampCapitalLLC posted on the Twitters:

This begs the question (yes, I use the phrase that way) of what, exactly, a person might mean when they say they are “covered in Jesus’ blood.” I have some thoughts.

First of all, to my knowledge there is no Christian tradition in which one bathes in Jesus’ blood, literally, transubstantially or consubstantially. Unless we are talking about Brother Blood , but his church isn’t exactly orthodox. It is certainly possible that she was speaking metaphorically and spiritually here, as in being “washed” in the blood of the sacrificial Lamb of God. This is an ancient means of ritual purification that is given new meaning in Christ (see Heb. 9:22, for example) and is now analogous to baptism.

However, the lady in question spoke with a conviction that belies such figurative language. Also, “covered” is a state different than “washed,” no? Washed is the state of no longer being covered by something (sin). This can’t just be baptism, not even “baptism by blood” (martyrdom) as she seems very much alive. I think she is talking about real blood here, people!

This leaves the only thing in the Christian tradition that really deals with literal blood (for some denominations). Was this women referring to her stomach lining, which very well could have been covered in wine? For this to work, of course, we would have to assume that her church is wine-drinking and believes in tran- or consubstantiation, but something tells me that she is a teetotalling (at worship) Protestant. After all, she seems to be coming home on a Wednesday night, extra-credit time for Baptists or Baptist-adjacent groups.

But even ignoring this, what protection can the wine-cum-blood really offer against the plague? Assuming consubstantiation, the alcohol content would not nearly be high enough to disinfect (though the antioxidants are certainly beneficial!), and the healing properties of human plasma are certainly dubious. Heck, there can be a lot of nasty crap in that stuff these days. Even Christ’s blood has never been seriously considered for its physical healing or protection properties, though I suspect this could be due to misinformation from BIG BALM (looking at you, Gilead). 

So we are back to the figurative meaning, I suppose. I’ll just assume that her blunt and serious tone was in response to the reporter’s rudeness, not confirmation of some new and disturbing sacrament or a complete misunderstanding of her church’s position on the Eucharist. Instead, she just means the blood of Jesus Christ is spiritually present through her baptism and continued faith and stubborn insistence in attending church. This must create a church-wide force-field that filters out submicroscopic particles. This is confirmed by the entirety of Christian HISTORY, which shows us that good Christians NEVER EVER got sick or infected others.

So don’t worry! 

Christians Need to Become Anti-Social Again

Source: Encyclopedia Britannica or something

It’s easy to forget these days, with all the (somewhat justifiable) backlash against individualist spirituality, that part of being religious is getting the sheol away from everybody. Christians have been social-distancing since before it was cool, the 3rd-century desert fathers and mothers setting the trend. Their embrace of asceticism and solitude allowed them to embodied the poverty and pain of Christ and commune more closely with the Creator. Sure, those like Anthony the Great were a tad world-denying, but later Christians found ways to maintain physical distance while continuing fellowship through houses of hospitality (hospitals and hospices), monastic movements and abstinence pledges. 

Yet despite the fact that the Coronavirus attends church more consistently than Omar Little’s grandmother, many in the US still insist on singing hymns with people they pretend to like. CNBC notes that of the 15 states with the most vulnerable populations, 11 have exempted religious gatherings from “stay at home” orders. There is evidence that most churches aren’t meeting anyway, but it only takes a few community breakouts to un-flatten the curve.

So fellow Christians, be like St. Anthony and get thee to thy man-cave!

A Roundup of Religionists Behaving Badly During the Coronageddon

While most godly folk have been handling the pandemic in reasonable ways, there have been some contrarians:

  • #FloridaPastor should probably be a thing, as the very Reverend Rodney Howard-Browne has been arrested for illegally gathering the faithful down in Tampa (where else?). Slate’s Christian-in-residence Ruth Graham has an excellent profile of this Trump-loving nincompoop. Will the the equally Trump-loving FL guv’nor bail him out by overruling the county law? Who knows, but Rodney has already canceled service in the face of tyranny. 
  • But it’s not just Korean cults and other Christian crazies. Even some establishment Evangelicals are throwing caution to the wind! Nonetheless, Jerry Jr. will put classes online if he must, but Liberty U will keep its dorms open for the kiddos if they want to come back. Who wouldn’t want to ride this thing out in Lynchburg, VA? 
  • Other religions are hardly doing any better. India already has enough problems without Sikh gatherings becoming hotspots (Holy Moly Hola Mohalla!). And now a Muslim gathering as led to a potential outbreak. Can’t imagine the BJP politicizing that anytime soon!

Pope Encourages Direct Confession if One Absolutely Must

The Holy Father suggested last week that if good, honest Catholics like myself cannot find a priest, then they may confess their sins directly to God. Truly we live in extraordinary times! But before you Calvinists and Lutheranists pop any champagne over this temporary deviation from sacramental norms, this is all perfectly in order. Hard-headed as the Faith may be we are certainly not inflexible, hence our most beautiful Catechism No. 1452! 

I would also very much like to stress the highly contingent nature of this novel practice. It is only permitted if one is restrictively cloistered-in-place or an ordained priest is completely unavailable (perhaps due to chloroquine poisoning). But already my brethren are finding novel ways to keep the confessional supply chain moving!

(Scott Takushi / Pioneer Press)

Furthermore, “perfect contrition” is a valid but ultimately provisional practice. When the coast is clear, all must get to a priest without delay for a proper expulsion of sins. Make sure to jot down all your transgressions!

This is not our first plague, dear Catholics. We’ve been beating back the Devil’s microbes since before the schismatics started marring our sacrosanct doorways with unsolicited comment cards.

 

Well, I guess now is as good a time as any to start a blog.

© Photos.com/Thinkstock. Yes we give credit and so should you, you thieving dingbats.

“May you live in interesting times” is a famous fake Chinese curse. Maybe someone said that around October 2019 (or 2016) and now here we are, though you have to wonder why they directed it at all humanity. Ehhh…more likely God is just punishing us, as God is wont to do from time to time. Probably over Cats.

But with everyone cloistered-in-place, we certainly want to carve out our own little niche in the new online revolution. Places of worship have moved online (well, most of them), so we suddenly have an unprecedented level of access to the workings of Christendom. Our guess is that this will only make your hip startup church more annoying, but now we can at least tweet-bomb it in real-time.

We shall not abandon you in these momentous times, dear readers. In an internet polarized between “bring out your dead” jokes and self-righteous social-distance-shaming, we shall be your sanctuary.

So stand by for more scrumptious, sacrilegious content!